The Freeloader
✨ For the curious chaos gremlins and Hot Mess Hotties who want a foot in the door before diving head-first into the full rehab era.
No pressure, just vibes, support, and access to the good sh*t.
Inclusions
📱 Hot Mess App Access
🔥 In-App Crowd Coaching: The Bitch Fest Community
💊 Access to the Hot Mess Send Drugs Dispensary
Who’s a 👀 Freeloader?
👀 Hotties who want to lurk before they commit.
🔥 Queens who need a safe place to scream into the void with other Hot Mess humans.
📚 Curious little raccoons collecting wellness tips, chaos management skills, and emotional support memes.
💅 Future rehab queens waiting for the right time to go all in.
🫦 Hot Mess Rehab
It’s what all the fancy people do when they’re losing their shit.
Hot Mess Rehab is your one-way ticket from chaos to clarity – a science-based, sass-fuelled transformation that rebuilds your body, brain, and boundaries one meltdown at a time.
We start by finding out really going on under the hood (no guesswork, babe), then we rebuild the guesswork from the inside out – hormones, stress, sleep, nutrition, mindset, the whole damn lot.
Here’s how we do it:
1. 🩺 Comprehensive Assessment
We dig deep into your health history, symptoms, and stress load to figure out what’s been running the show.
2. 🧪 Functional Blood Chemistry Analysis
The lab coat moment. We dive into your biochemistry to pinpoint exactly where your body’s lost its sparkle.
3. 📝 Personalised Treatment Plan
Your unique blueprint for getting your glow (and your sanity) back.
Your plan may include a mix of:
💊 Nutritional Medicines, 🌿 Herbal Medicines
💉 Pharmaceuticals (in liaison with your doctor, because safety = sexy), 🤲🏻 Remedial therapies, 💤 Lifestyle strategies
4. 🎓 Education
You’ll learn the nerdy-but-sexy why behind it all, so you can take charge of your health like the boss that you are.
5. ⚡️ Coaching
We’ll get clear on what you stand for, what you’re done tolerating, and how to build a life that fits your values (and your nervous system)
Basic Bitch
For hotties who want the goods without the fluff
$250.00 – Upfront
$100.00 – Every fortnight
12 weeks – Minimum commitment
✓ Everything included in the Freeloader
PLUS
✓ Standard 👑 Crowned Hottie inclusions
– 🩺 Comprehensive health assessment
– 🩸 Functional blood chemistry analysis
– 💁🏽♀️ Personalised treatment plan
– 🎯 F*ck No. F*ck YES Holistic Health Coaching Program
– 💬 Unlimited in-app support from The Hot Mess herself
– 🫦 Priority access & discounted entry to Hot Mess events & resources
– 🚐 Free local supplement delivery to included suburbs
– 🤑 10% off RRP of a range of wellness goodies
– 💸 25% off additional appointments, because you’re worth it
PLUS
🎙️ 1 x 45 minute coaching appointment per fortnight
Losing It
For when you’re not just spiralling… you’re orbiting Saturn.
$250.00 – Upfront
$150.00 – Every fortnight
12 weeks – Minimum commitment
✓ Everything included in the Freeloader
✓ Standard 👑 Crowned Hottie inclusions
PLUS
🎙️ 1 x 45 minute coaching appointment per fortnight
AND
💆🏽♀️ 1 x 90 minute remedial massage & dry needling appointment per month
AND
💸 10% off at the Send Drugs Dispensary (excluding Couture)
Hot Mess
When losing your shit is no longer a vibe… it’s a lifestyle.
$250.00 – Upfront
$200.00 – Every fortnight
12 weeks – Minimum commitment
✓ Everything included in the Freeloader
✓ Standard 👑 Crowned Hottie inclusions
PLUS
🎙️ 1 x 45 minute coaching appointment per fortnight
AND
💆🏽♀️ 1 x 90 minute remedial massage & dry needling appointment per fortnight
AND
💸 10% off at the Send Drugs Dispensary (including Couture)